Crossfader’s Week of Horror: 10 Movie Monsters You Could Take in a Fight
The nights are getting longer, the shadows slowly creep
Ghosts and ghouls are getting stronger, never mind what watches you while you sleep
As Halloween approaches, life’s a real nightmare
The darkness steadily encroaches, a chill is in the air
So pull up a seat, whoever you are, come close, and turn off all the lights
For this is Crossfader’s Week of Horror, and here’s 10 movie monsters you could take in a fight!
Like any other normal, well-developed individual, my absolute favorite time of year is Halloween. Also, like any other normal, well-developed individual, I spend an inordinate amount of time both sizing things up and dreaming up highly implausible scenarios. With that in mind, I combined all of my favorite things to bring to you: 10 Movie Monsters You Could Totally Take In A Fight
Monsters —opponents, that is—are ranked in ascending order of the threat they present. And since this is an inherently contentious subject, some rules need to be established before we dive in:
Location: Fights will take place wherever the movie took place. You are allowed to use the environment and anything found within it to your advantage. However, your opponents are able to do so as well.
Standard Gear: You are armed with only what you normally carry on your person. The same is true for your opponents.
No Prep Time: The fight begins immediately. You will not have any time to plan or set traps. Neither will your opponent.
1. Imhotep – THE MUMMY
Even as a young child, I never understood how mummies were supposed to be scary. I’m sure he would be creepy face-to-face, but I’m also pretty sure a strong breeze could take him out. And considering just what goes into the whole mummification process, Imhotep has got to have the body composition of a dollar-store piñata, magic or no magic. Stiff, slow, completely atrophied muscles, no internal organs, and several thousand years old on top of all that, I’m certain just about anyone could knock his block clean off. Dust to dust, bro.
2. Chucky – CHILD’S PLAY
Ooh, a doll possessed by the spirit of a serial killer. FOH. There is no reason for his kill count to be as high as it is. Dude’s a doll. He is like knee-high and weighs maybe 10 pounds. Physics dictate he is incapable of generating enough momentum to do, well, much of anything. Short legs mean a short stride, which means there’s no way in hell he could ever catch you. Short arms means extremely limited striking range, and his tiny little doll hands mean he could never actually get a real hold on you (unless he manages to grab a finger, but come on). He can’t even reach a door knob. The only reason he ever manages to actually kill anyone is because no one believes in possessed dolls, which gives him the element of surprise. But you, a savvy genre aficionado, aren’t going to fall for that. I’ve destroyed enough action figures in my day to know exactly how to handle this twisted Cabbage Patch bitch—grab him, and rip him limb from limb. What is he going to do about it? Even if this little nuisance does manage to get hold of a knife, just drop your jacket or shirt over his ugly melon head and punt him. Once he is disarmed, stomp a mudhole in him. And you know what, this goes out to all the killer dolls out there, too. I’m putting you all on notice.
3. Blanche – HOUSE
The beloved pet of a woman who so desperately wanted to be wed that her body remained alive even after death, Blanche uses its fluffy cuteness to lure unsuspecting young girls to a remote house so that it (the house, that is) may eat them. Referred to as a “witch cat” and presumably undead like her owner, Blanche displays some pretty incredible psychokinetic powers, which could make for a hairy battle. However, I’ve got no time for supernatural bullshit. Ghost, witch, or whatever, a cat is a cat. One good punt and it’s over.
4. Nikos Karamanlis – ANTHROPOPHAGUS
This guy may look like one gnarly cannibal, but when you get right down to it, he’s little more than a really out-there hobo skulking the ruins of an uninhabited island. His diet apparently consists solely of naive tourists, so you know he’s got to be suffering from at least one nutritional deficiency. At the very least, he’s definitely going to have low blood sugar, which will make him sluggish and loopy. He might even pass out on you. Oh, and spoilers for a 37-year-old movie, those are his guts he’s chowing down on. If you can wound him, he’ll probably start eating himself. How elegant.
5. Baby Selwyn – BRAINDEAD
Don’t be fooled by his size, Selwyn is capable of giving you a bit more than a splitting headache. Sneaky, horrendously ugly, annoying as hell, and just a mean little shit, someone needs to put this hellspawn down—for good. Instead of breaking down a plan of attack, I’ll let this handy YouTube video do it for you:
6. Norman Bates – PSYCHO
Norman’s greatest strength also happens to be his greatest weakness: he’s a psycho. And not the cold, calculating kind either. He is a profoundly damaged man, barely holding it together. So while he does have a big ol’ kitchen knife and is given to homicidal impulse, his grab bag of deep-seated psychological issues also makes him especially vulnerable to taunting. Throw enough “your mom” jokes at him and he might just collapse in the midst of a major identity crisis.
7. John Kramer aka Jigsaw – SAW
Standard gear and no prep time means Jigsaw won’t have any death traps in play. It’s just you and him. Don’t discount the man entirely, though. He is highly intelligent, cunning, and ruthless, and he does keep a large, spring-loaded blade up his sleeve (being a genius mechanical engineer does have its advantages), but in the immortal words of Mike Tyson, “Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the mouth.” Terminally ill, elderly car crash survivor vs. presumably young, healthy individual. Who you got?
8. Man – HUSH
Now we’re getting into dangerous waters. If I’m being honest here, you maybe have a 50/50 shot of walking away from this one. This is a situation where the standard gear stipulation hurts a lot more than it helps. “Man,” as he is credited, comes armed with a hunting knife and a crossbow. A crossbow. That’s not good. But, just so we know exactly what we’re dealing with here, let’s analyze his getup a bit more closely. First, that mask of his. For one thing, that mask really restricts his peripheral vision. He will have to move his head a lot more than you to look around, buying you extra time. It’s not much, but it’s something. Two, no nose holes or mouth slit! That mask has zero breathability. There is no way this guy is going to be able to keep anything up for very long without having to take a breather. But forget the mask for a minute. Like Norman, the man’s greatest weakness is psychological. As he demonstrates time and time again in the film, he is a coward. Worse than that, he is also cocky. He will initially be too scared for a direct confrontation, which is where the bow comes in, but his frail ego will push him to prove his dominance mano-a-mano sooner or later. Cocky is sloppy, and paper tigers fold. Don’t forget, a deaf woman got the drop on him. A deaf woman.
9. The Gill Man – CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON
Possessing incredible strength and durability, some nasty claws, and appreciable intelligence to boot, the Gill Man is one tough customer. And, unfortunately, this also happens to be a fight where the location puts you at a serious disadvantage. Gill Man’s amphibious nature will allow him to easily sneak up on you if you happen to be near the shore, on a boat, or in the water, for some reason. On the other hand, Gill Man is embarrassingly slow and cumbersome on land. He may be powerful, but he has no footwork! Use your legs to take the fight inland, keep your distance, and dome old fish face with rocks until he goes down.
10. Pennywise – IT
All right, hear me out. Yeah, Pennywise is an ancient, telepathic, shape-shifting, interdimensional being that does not abide by our rules of reality and is capable of manifesting your deepest, darkest fears. There probably isn’t a limit to the ways It could mess you up. But Pennywise is also a bit of a bitch. I said it. Let’s be real here. It preys solely on children, oftentimes singling out the weakest of them, at that. That’s some real chickenshit. And Pennywise did get its ass stomped by a mere five kids—five—one of which was a hypochondriac with a broken arm, another who had his stomach cut open not once, but twice, and a third who had literally just gotten into another fight like five minutes beforehand. That’s three handicaps. Bruh. For the sake of this argument, we’ll score each of those handicapped kids as half a normal kid, which gives us 1.5 normal kids. 1.5 plus the other two who were at full physical health gives us net 3.5 kids. Going by this, Pennywise’s apparent power-level, while clearly greater than that of a single child, is somewhere south of 3.5. I can’t say with absolute certainty that I could take on five kids in a fight, but I’d feel pretty good about 3.5. Pennywise is clown shoes.