Crossfader’s Trick or Treat

Trick or treat, trick or treat, give me something good to eat…

HOT & SPICY CHEEZ-IT CRUNCH’D

My latest foray into the 99 Cents store saw me picking up four bags of CHEEZ-IT CRUNCH’D of the Hot & Spicy variety for a dollar. Not having consumed CRUNCH’D before, I was full of apprehension. On one hand, I’ve been a CHEEZ-IT boy since I was a wee lad and will be till the day I die. On the other, this wasn’t the first time I had braved engorged cheese crisps, and seeing the packaging gave me flashbacks to the 7-Eleven DORITOS LOADED debacle. But I’m a hardened vet of this kind of thing, and Daddy likes his snacks sweaty and sleazy anyway.

Once more unto the breach, or something like that

I opened my first bag and immediately regretted my decision. The waft of the piquant CRUNCH’D reminded me of a blend of damp scrote with mildew-afflicted leather. I gagged a little bit, and my mind raced with questions: why am I doing this? To take a plunge into the armpit of Hell? Was any review worth this? I had to take a minute to steel myself for the upcoming offensive. Plucking my first CRUNCH’D from the bag, I was greeted by the following:

If it smells like ass and looks like ass…

This puffy, prolapsed anus emerged from the sack and beckoned for me to eat it. While a tenderfoot might steer clear from such a visage, I’m a pioneer, and whether this snack looked like a cat butt or not, it was my duty to chow down. I ate it. Was it truly the puffed-up crunch I’d love to munch?

If I told you I enjoyed eating CHEEZ-IT CRUNCH’D, then I would be a bigger asshole than the snack itself. In substance, the cracker amounts to a cheesy fart of nothing. Contrary to my DORITOS fears, the CRUNCH’D maintains the consistency of a stale packing peanut, crumbling into nothing under the slightest pressure. Besides the Tabasco flavoring, it leaves neither a discernable initial flavor nor any distinctive aftertaste. I was only left with the vague notion of a spicy sensation, but nothing to tangibly affect my taste buds.

It was as if the eggheads at Kellogg thought that images of peppers on the packaging combined with the faintest of seasonings would engage some kind of Pavlovian response in my brain, tricking me into thinking I was indeed eating a hot and spicy snack. Sadly, the only taste left in my mouth after finishing was disappointment. One bag was enough for me; the other three were fated for the garbage. If you find yourself hankering for some peppery pleasure during your next 3 AM trip to the convenience store, pass on the CRUNCH’D and stick with some FLAMIN’ HOT CHEETOS instead.

Verdict: Do Not Recommend

Ed Dutcher

Ed Dutcher is the Video Games Editor here at Crossfader. The last time Ed had a meal that wasn't microwaved, George W. Bush was president. He only learned to read so that he could play Pokemon.